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I likes it heaps.
There are a couple of lower case \"i\"s that should have been \"I\"s if you want typos sorted...and unless it\'s an americanism I\'m not aware of, \"cannot\" is one word, not two.

While GoddessGlamourPuss may not like the first stanza, I do. What I like about it is all the attributes of life applied to Death.
Something needs to be done with the two lines beginning \"Even immortal stars...\" as they are a bit wordy compared to the rest. Stars have just been mentioned so it may be those lines can be chucked. Pare it down. Be minimalist. It\'s effective.

What you might like to consider is to contrast the first and second stanza endings, so that in the way that you come to the end where life needs to keep moving, in the first stanza you end with something about everything becoming still. See if you can keep the number of ideas about death and life equal - and address them so that each line has one idea - it\'s more or less like that anyway. That would give the whole a bit of shape and structure - if that idea appeals to you, of course. 

I have over the last few years, been judging poetry for an annual literary competition, and i can tell you now that if you tried to pass that off as a sonnet you\'d be out on the first read.
That isn\'t even \"almost\" iambic pentameter. Iambic is ta-da ta-da ta-da - or if you like, \"\'I am I am I am I am I am\" - five \"I am\"s for the penta.(five). The point is the emphasis needs to be on the second beat of each \"I am\" as well - it\'s not just a count of syllables. In Shakespear\'s sonnets any deviation from this is rather subtle and perhaps a matter of contracting a word like \"makest\" being read as \"mak\'st\" (Not to mention we don\'t quite speak English as it was spoken in those times anymore)

Your topic and imagery is brilliant as always - so what I\'d really like to see, is you keeping those, but reworking your wording so that you get the right rhythm. I think it\'s important that when writing poetry that needs to obey a certain structure. you learn to write in that structure meticulously before bending the rules. (We haven\'t even started on villanelles and sestinas for mind-bending rules yet!)

Fixing this is easy. For example you could change your first line to: \"Serenity is sun in dark of night\" - and immediately you have perfect iambic pentameter. Your second line is fine. Third line - something like: \"Believing in the penguins\' ache for flight\" etc.
Bottom line, Jerry - because it\'s you and I know what you are capable of, there\'s no way in hell I will let you get away with not putting in the extra effort to tweak this into shape.

 

Hi all
I\'m here because Jerry...who was Skorg back in the day....the leader of probably the only guild in an online game that actively encouraged poetry and who made me the first honorary bard...And although this is meant to be my intro not his, I can\'t help adding this here for old times\' sake:Da Beast You want to know what makes a beast?Our Skorg, you know, he's not the least.He stands a head above the restHis armour's grand - it's quite the bestPerhaps this makes a beast.... You ask me now what makes a beastI've seen Skorg eat - devour a feastOf bones and meat and beer and allLeft-over foes who took a fall .. .Maybe this makes a beast... I wonder now what makes a beast?Now Skorg, he talks from west to eastAnd  whispers some, has chat rooms going,While grinding hard , and drops are flowing...Perchance this makes a beast . . . I think I know what makes a beastAnd makes our Skorg the beast released!A heart of gold and will of steelDedication, mirth and zeal.Yes, this makes a BEAST.

(I hope I don\'t need to explain gaming parlance, but if I do -grinding in this case means killing critters for experience to level up your character, and drops are item drops - things that can be sold for gold in the game)

That said - I am a mother of three sons - youngest nearly 14 and on the autistic spectrum, middle nearly finished school, and eldest almost finished his degree in politics and policy. I am an anaesthetics nurse and like to joke that that makes me a necromancers\' assistant, since anaesthetists kill and resurrect people all day long (sort of). 
I also write. there is a link to my blog in my profile, and I have been a member of the Fellowship of Australian Writers(FAW) more or less since we arrived in Australia from South Africa nearly ten years ago. I\'ve had a few things published here and there - poems, a bit of writing on writers block in a book put out by FAW, and over the years I\'ve learnt heaps.