Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
I just wrote this, so it\'s a first draft. \"Death\"Death lives in all things. A thousand forms, A million flavors. Death bleeds from every pore. Do you taste it? Every road leads there. The Infinite Abyss The Unknown Night The Cosmic Void That stars alight. Even immortal stars are just an illusion, For they too must one day grow dark., Life is ablaze, a Passionate Heat Life is motion, frenzy, divine. In order to survive, You must stay bright and warm. You must keep moving.
Title: Death
Post by: cheeky~k8 on
Post by: cheeky~k8 on
Its an interesting read, it will be nice to see it develop and flow even better.
Title: Death
Post by: Chris on
Post by: Chris on
It\'s the \'old\' saying but I had to read this three times before I was able to read it smoothly (probably says something about me). The poem itself is very good, though I would like to see parts join in with the flow a little more, at least myself.
I did, however like the twist from darkness to life and the way you finished the poem.
I did, however like the twist from darkness to life and the way you finished the poem.
You must stay bright and warm.
You must keep moving.[/quote]
Title: Death
Post by: GoddessGlamour Puss on
Post by: GoddessGlamour Puss on
I find a 2nd read through beneficial. I quite like the rough quality to the \'flow\' as it is slightly jarring and a reminder of the ever present spectre just around the corner. I\'m not overly keen on the 1st stanza and personally prefer the piece without it but that\'s just me.I would like to see how you intend to develop it or your thoughts with it Spacemonkey either way a good looking piece
Title: Death
Post by: FrostyKitten on
Post by: FrostyKitten on
I definitely love the positive ending to this poem. It\'s almost like a reminder that you can choose to focus on the darkness and \"badness\" of the world or you can choose to keep moving and stay bright and warm in spite of everything. Death is definitely something that seems or is final, but I think the ending of the poem is a great way to say that while you may not be able to avoid death, you can certainly choose how you live your life Thought provoking! Thanks for sharing!
Title: Death
Post by: HomesickAlienPoet on
Post by: HomesickAlienPoet on
Great read SpaceMonkey. The last four lines, in particular are my favorite. I think the line about the stars could have its own stanza, maybe with another couplet to elaborate on the concept. Also, a slight tweak in the wording of that line, might make the line agree with itsself a little better. So instead of \"Even immortal stars are just an illusion,\" you might say something like \"Even the permanence of the stars is an illusion.\" The flow of the poem works pretty well for me. The first two stanzas and the final one have a nice movement to them, and the couplet about the stars serves as a nice rhythmic break, which is why I thought a second couplet would enhance both the meaning and the flow. Great job!
Title: Death
Post by: liam on
Post by: liam on
It reads well and the breaks add a flare to it when reading. Well done!
Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Thanks for the replys all. There are some good suggestions to consider when I revise it and I appreciate the feedback. I wrote this poem intentionally disjointed, but still with a kind of flow to it. I liked that the basic idea of the poem is moving from death to life and regardless of how I revise it, I plan to keep that central. I find astronomy inspires me to think about things like this and I just want to pass those feelings on to others. I\'m glad to share the rough cut, with the ideas raw with you all and now I shall revise, revise, revise. I think I will keep the breaks where they are but work on the verbage a bit
Title: Death
Post by: Chris on
Post by: Chris on
[quote author=SpaceMonkey\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"66\">Thanks for the replys all. There are some good suggestions to consider when I revise it and I appreciate the feedback. I wrote this poem intentionally disjointed, but still with a kind of flow to it. I liked that the basic idea of the poem is moving from death to life and regardless of how I revise it, I plan to keep that central. I find astronomy inspires me to think about things like this and I just want to pass those feelings on to others. I\'m glad to share the rough cut, with the ideas raw with you all and now I shall revise, revise, revise. I think I will keep the breaks where they are but work on the verbage a bit [/quote]Intentionally disjointed huh? I think I had of known that at the time of reading it, it would been useful. ![](\"<fileStore.core_Emoticons)
/emoticons/wink.png\" alt=\";)\" title=\";) date=1442436363]
Certainly when you do revise and re-edit it, feel free to either add it back here or submit it as a new piece (add a link if you do a latter to this though, as some will enjoy re-reading this version and compare the two).
Certainly when you do revise and re-edit it, feel free to either add it back here or submit it as a new piece (add a link if you do a latter to this though, as some will enjoy re-reading this version and compare the two).
Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
[quote author=joey_matthews\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"74\">Intentionally disjointed huh? I think I had of known that at the time of reading it, it would been useful.
[/quote]HAHA but that would defeat the purpose of unbiased reading/emoticons/tongue.png\" alt=\":P\" title=\":P date=1442438145]
[/quote]HAHA but that would defeat the purpose of unbiased reading
Title: Death
Post by: dragonwyst on
Post by: dragonwyst on
While GoddessGlamourPuss may not like the first stanza, I do. What I like about it is all the attributes of life applied to Death.
Something needs to be done with the two lines beginning \"Even immortal stars...\" as they are a bit wordy compared to the rest. Stars have just been mentioned so it may be those lines can be chucked. Pare it down. Be minimalist. It\'s effective.
What you might like to consider is to contrast the first and second stanza endings, so that in the way that you come to the end where life needs to keep moving, in the first stanza you end with something about everything becoming still. See if you can keep the number of ideas about death and life equal - and address them so that each line has one idea - it\'s more or less like that anyway. That would give the whole a bit of shape and structure - if that idea appeals to you, of course.
Something needs to be done with the two lines beginning \"Even immortal stars...\" as they are a bit wordy compared to the rest. Stars have just been mentioned so it may be those lines can be chucked. Pare it down. Be minimalist. It\'s effective.
What you might like to consider is to contrast the first and second stanza endings, so that in the way that you come to the end where life needs to keep moving, in the first stanza you end with something about everything becoming still. See if you can keep the number of ideas about death and life equal - and address them so that each line has one idea - it\'s more or less like that anyway. That would give the whole a bit of shape and structure - if that idea appeals to you, of course.
Title: Death
Post by: stewart alexander on
Post by: stewart alexander on
great first draft.. keep at it.. loved Death bleeds from every pore.... interesting matey!
Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
[quote author=stewart alexander\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"502\">great first draft.. keep at it.. loved Death bleeds from every pore....
Title: Death
Post by: mperry on
Post by: mperry on
Hi Space Monkey Interesting read- I am all for freedom of expression and voices being subjective-each word you use or take away adds or subtracts from your content- so take your time and keep writing- until you get to the point- \"where you say this is it\" keep at it- and never stop writing- because your voice matters!...regards Mike
Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
[quote author=mperry\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"523\">Hi Space Monkey Interesting read- I am all for freedom of expression and voices being subjective-each word you use or take away adds or subtracts from your content- so take your time and keep writing- until you get to the point- \"where you say this is it\" keep at it- and never stop writing- because your voice matters!...regards Mike[/quote]Hey thanks for the encouragement Mike. Perhaps you could take a gander at \'Death\" 2nd draft and tell me your thoughts on the revisions Also, welcome to PAO /emoticons/tongue.png\" alt=\":P\" title=\":P date=1443372667]
Title: Death
Post by: Call me Cordelia on
Post by: Call me Cordelia on
I enjoyed this poem, but I was distracted from the words by two things: 1. The italics at the end2. That you used punctuation, but still capitalized the first word of every line (instead of following regular capitalization rules).I\'m not sure where you are wanting to take this poem, so take this with a grain of salt... but I think these lines:
Life is ablaze, a Passionate HeatLife is motion, frenzy, divine.[/quote]could be tighter if phrased like:Life ablaze, a passionate heatis motion, frenzied, and divine
Title: Death
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
Post by: SpaceMonkey on
[quote author=Call me Cordelia\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"664\">I enjoyed this poem, but I was distracted from the words by two things: 1. The italics at the end2. That you used punctuation, but still capitalized the first word of every line (instead of following regular capitalization rules).I\'m not sure where you are wanting to take this poem, so take this with a grain of salt... but I think these lines:could be tighter if phrased like:Life ablaze, a passionate heatis motion, frenzied, and divine [/quote]Thanks. I take all criticism with a grain of salt, I appreciate you doing it in a helpful and constructive manner. Perhaps you could look at the second draft. As far as capitalization rules, again thank you for catching that. My rough draft had no punctuation and I added it before posting and forgot to uncapitalize them. I am pretty ashamed to say I think it still exists like that in the 2nd draft as well.Also I am glad the italics distracted you, mission accomplished /emoticons/tongue.png date=1443831281]