First draft thread /community/topic/6-death/\">here.  Feel free to brush up on it before you take in: Death(1st revision)  Death lives in all things.A thousand forms,A million flavors.Can you taste it? The Infinite AbyssThe Unknown NightThe Cosmic VoidThat stars alight. Stars are just an allusionA promise, blazing with lies A passionate heatTheir life is motion, frenzy Divine. Stars have the right of it.In order to survive, You must stay bright and warm.You must keep moving. 

I definitely read the difference your tweakings made, personally I like both versions but I do have to hand it to you, it\'s certainly stronger now.

Keep \'em coming! 

Quote from: joey_matthews\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"47\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"255 date=1442750927I definitely read the difference your tweakings made, personally I like both versions but I do have to hand it to you, it\'s certainly stronger now.

Keep \'em coming! 

Thanks man.  It feels stronger to me as well.  

I am going to revise this again soon.  I do feel like it is more powerful, it is also more cohesive from beginning to end,  I feel like the way I revised it says exactly what I want it to say.  That being said, I don\'t like how many times it says \"The stars\"  I really want to reword the ending and perhaps add another abstraction or metaphor.  I also feel that while I did do a good job removing some clutter and streamlining the language a little bit I perhaps stripped too much away and it\'s a little bit more concrete than a poem I would typically write.  I think I am going to add a couple more stanzas in the middle somewhere and with the reworking of the end, I think it will be pretty good.I like doing this poem this way as a kind of exercise.  Kind of like sharing my revisioning process from beginning to end with all of you.  I thank anyone who is taking the time to make the journey with me.  )

Hi SpaceMonkey You definitely tightened it up with the 2nd draft- but a writer is never happy with a version until it is done!....I have rewritten and rewritten- then let it sit for a couple days- when I go back and I have to make still more changes it\'s not done yet...either way you re-write, the choice is yours- but you are on the track for sure- so keep writing until it\'s done- and I will be reading-what you post!...regards Mike

Nice reworking, I also feel it comes across spot on now. Well done /profile/9-spacemonkey/\" data-ipshover=\"\" data-ipshover-target=\"http://poetryartonline.com/profile/9-spacemonkey/?do=hovercard\" data-mentionid=\"9\">@SpaceMonkey

What about this for the 3rd stanza:

Their life is motion, a frenziedDivine.[/quote]