Well thanks to Dragonwyst I can recall iambic pentameter (more years than I care to admit since school) and this definately falls well short. However, it does have a beautiful soft rhythm all of it\'s own which is something I don\'t think you should change.If you wish to pursue the true sonnet I would suggest pinning down some words that fit the correct meter. Perhaps trying to re-work this particular piece would be a frustrating endeavour so I would suggest using the serenity idea with words aimed at fitting? Or even a whole new sonnet from scratch.

Ok I glanced at Spacemonkeys comments as he is always insightful when it comes to re-working and I think he\'s pretty much nailed it. The premise is sound and clear so nothing to change in that regard. Similarly I agree that if it is a lack of something you are looking for then that is metaphor or perhaps simiie or just general imagery.As the piece stands I would say it would flow better visually and verbally if you bunched it up a little. You probably could trim it a little if you want to make it punchier but not strictly necessary.I think if you can express a clear idea of what you think needs to be changed or what you want the piece to achieve that would help in any re-works you attempt. At the end of the day as long as you are happy with it leave it alone.

Quote from: Call me Cordelia\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"120\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"740 date=1443973373 

Well firstly I do like this piece. It has a certain sadness that resonates through and could be universally applied.I agree with Cordellia that parts are a little distracting so I would suggest shaking up the layout on the page and adding some purposefull punctuation. Just as an illustration I have re-worked the last part to show what I mean.I am sitting next to a sleepy man on a train.He is white, with age.but I swear, I can\'t even tell,which one of ushas been on Earthlonger

Same old same old. Pretty much at the minute just getting through the day. On the plus side it\'s sunny :-)

Great drawing. I have to say finding the thread this far on has certainly added extra depth and really highlights the work you have put in.

Ok not seen the film but the drawing is really well done and certainly cute. I always liked your drawings Cheeky good to see them again :-) x

That is awesome. Pretty much sums up why I would love to be able to draw. Lucky son! :-)

Gorgeous. I really love the koi tattoo designs although I wouldn't personally have one I certainly appreciate them. Would definately be happy with these on my wall though.

Wow! At first I thought angel but it is certainly a beautiful, powerful and uplifting piece. Very evocative. Truly stunning :-)

I saw the supermoon through my bedroom window which was particularly beautiful but somewhat annoying. The eclipse woke me later as was suddenly rather dark but sadly rather cloudy so missed the bloodmoon.I did witness one shortly after my eldest daughter was born and quite frankly it freaked the hell out of me! Could have been the post pregnancy hormones at work but I can totally get how such a phenomenon could be seen as a harbringer of doom.

Single no. I find the whole debate about tattoos fascinating particularly the changing(?) attitudes to them. 

Oh my word I remember this! Gosh it really was everywhere and I didn\'t find it particularly tasteful either. I have to admit that wayching the video changed my opinion a lot as I enjoyed seeing all the old toys again so for a while it made me smile to hear it.Good find :-)

Very interesting and unique approach to marine education. I found it a little odd at first after reading the synopsis. Even though it was very elegant was like er don\'t mermaids have tails???Having said that when the tails appeared they were beautiful and watching her swim with those amazing creatures made me quite envious

Well to be the revised version looks like a postcard. Maybe it\'s the caption though. I find the lighter effects give it a warmer feel and makes me think it would be a familiar scene to anyone glancing out the window of the drive home after a fun filled family day out

Both very interesting pieces and particularly as others have said with the use of colour. I think I prefer the 1st one simply because it is bolder in both colour and texture and is quite intriguing considered with the title. The 2nd picture appealed more at first due to its muted tone but when considered with the title to me becomes the embodiment of indifference. Having seen Joey's comment I am now certainly intrigued about how these were created and would therefore welcome a vid :-)