I wrote this the other night, I would like feedback on what folks would do to improve it. The main thing for me is that I have written something, yet I do what to take this seriously - so if you could spare some time and leave an in-depth reply on what you would do to improve this, I would appreciate it.

Bureaucracy, Power & Greed 

I sit alone,
 within a room,
Where bureaucracy rules.
And greed,
Is eager and eager,
Equals fools,
I speak,
So slowly,
Yet my words fall,
To the floor,
I try to speak,
But I am heard,
No more,
Decisions have been made,
Ones which limit,
My ability,
Lies are being told,
Which could ruin,
My reputation,
Yet,
All this greed,
Equals power,
And that power,
Equals the,
Oppressor's.

I sit alone within a room where bureaucracy rules and greed is eager and eager equals fools.  I speak so slowly, yet my words fall to the floor.  I try to speak, but I am heard no more.  Decisions have been made.  Ones which limit my ability.  Lies are being told which could ruin my reputation.  Yet, all this greed equals power and that power equals the oppressors.    I just wrote this out as a paragraph for visual purposes.  I will Post again Joey sir with feedback a bit later.  I have to pick up mah daughter from the pre school.  

 You have an idea stated out clearly, which is great.  It is very concrete.  There are no abstractions really, or metaphors to set it free.  You are basically stating your feelings plainly and it is very easy to follow. Starting with this as a baseline  I would do one of two things with it:1.  Leave it an absolute concrete statement.  Keep most of the words the same, but trim the fat.  Find words to cut out, the things you feel might be unnecessary. With a poem like this where your lines are short rapid fire you can also take out the punctuation and that will speed it up even more.  After you take some of the words out, take all the punctuation out too.  If you want to separate in to different sentences, separate the sentences in to verses instead.  All of these things will increase the intensity of a poem like this and is a subtractive approach to editing.  In the process of doing this you may also be inspired to add some more words, feel free to do that as well but try to keep the language grounded the way it is now.2.  Take each and every line of this poem by itself and think of a good metaphor  or abstraction for it.  Throw every line up and try to connect it to a different idea or compare it to something else.  You don\'t just have to use metaphors either, you can use images too.  You can really expand on almost everything you have written and make it come alive with imagery.  I will give you an example just from the first three or four lines:I sit alone, astride my Freedom
 within a room laden with shackles.
Where bureaucracy rules
And greed, the eager waitress waitsEager to grant a fool his fate. I would do things like the for the whole poem and then take what comes out of that and then again edit it, streamlining the language to make it more powerful.  In the process of doing this as well, you may get inspired to add to the original narrative; either to give the bulk of your idea more weight or to bring the poem to a logical ending point.   I think you have a good basis to start with and this is just what I would do with something like this if it were me.  I am excited to see where you end up taking it.  

Thank you very much /profile/9-spacemonkey/\" data-ipshover=\"\" data-ipshover-target=\"http://poetryartonline.com/profile/9-spacemonkey/?do=hovercard\" data-mentionid=\"9\">@SpaceMonkey.

I have asked a couple people for their opinions, after writing and for me it\'s where do I go in order to sharpen it up? I think the answer lies within your last response but for now, I think I\'ll chance a couple of more opinions because I do agree with your suggestions, yet I like weighing things up with others.

It enables me to edit better but you have just highlighted why this section holds so much potential to writers like myself.

Ok I glanced at Spacemonkeys comments as he is always insightful when it comes to re-working and I think he\'s pretty much nailed it. The premise is sound and clear so nothing to change in that regard. Similarly I agree that if it is a lack of something you are looking for then that is metaphor or perhaps simiie or just general imagery.As the piece stands I would say it would flow better visually and verbally if you bunched it up a little. You probably could trim it a little if you want to make it punchier but not strictly necessary.I think if you can express a clear idea of what you think needs to be changed or what you want the piece to achieve that would help in any re-works you attempt. At the end of the day as long as you are happy with it leave it alone.

I think simplicity is sometimes more powerful myself, I like this and knowing why you write it. I think your should do you best to make sure more Notts fans read it.