a sonnet(ish)

SpaceMonkey · September 19, 2015, 01:16:42 AM

Im working on the meter for this. I think I posted this on the old site, but it was long ago can\'t remember. The couplet at the end and the last stanza are the only lines that exist the same as they did several years ago. I have since edited the rest. I actually posted this last night missing a stanza and it had a with a really rough line(1st stanza line 4) but when I was reposting just now I think it\'s better but the meter still seems off to me. Please if you are familiar with Iambic Pentameter and want to check it for me and comment, awesome.If you are not familiar with it, still feel free to comment on it. \"Serenity\"Serenity is Sun, in the middle of nightThe whisper and sway of crashing wavesBelieving in penguins aching for flight One thrust of her knife, is how she saves Like death between her twilight thighsSerenity is cold December chillMoaning soft and sharp as the blood fliesDrinking until we have been fulfilled Serenity is madness, softly temperedBreaking within, her water releasesA stilling steel, forged and hammeredSlipping between, I am quenched to pieces Reminded of our vow, hand in handSwearing off forever, the chains of man

Chris · September 19, 2015, 01:57:44 AM

I\'m not familiar with the style myself, yet it seems fun to try.

I like the start, it opens the poem up nicely and I felt it worked quite nicely. Obviously, someone else will have to give a more in-depth response, yet to be openly honest I think it\'s pretty good the way it is. The penguin line made me smile, combined with the line which follows it\'s very poetic - It actually reminds me lyrics to a degree.

You know a soft spoken song, with changes in the vocal! I would love to actually hear how this is intended to be read aloud.

Keep \'em coming!

SpaceMonkey · September 19, 2015, 02:30:41 AM

[quote author=joey_matthews\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"34\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"179\">I\'m not familiar with the style myself, yet it seems fun to try.

[/quote]This is intended to be a classic shakespearean sonnet which is a strict rhyming scheme and poem structure. It is Named after Sir William because he wrote A LOT of them. I think he even is the one who started this style of poem, but I am not sure about that.And it must be metered in Iambic Pentameter Wikipedia Definition: Iambic pentameter is a commonly used type of metrical line in traditional English poetry and verse drama. The term describes the rhythm that the words establish in that line, which is measured in small groups of syllables called \"feet\"I think that is why it seems like a soft song.They can be a pain to write, but also lot\'s of fun.Hey good blog post idea \"The How\'s and Why\'s of Shakespearean Sonnets\" The lines should be \"ten feet\" long but some are nine and I think one is eight. The structure and rhyming is good. And the meter works, I\'m just not sure if it\'s close enough to actually be a \"shakespearean sonnet\"

dragonwyst · September 19, 2015, 12:59:51 PM

I have over the last few years, been judging poetry for an annual literary competition, and i can tell you now that if you tried to pass that off as a sonnet you\'d be out on the first read.
That isn\'t even \"almost\" iambic pentameter. Iambic is ta-da ta-da ta-da - or if you like, \"\'I am I am I am I am I am\" - five \"I am\"s for the penta.(five). The point is the emphasis needs to be on the second beat of each \"I am\" as well - it\'s not just a count of syllables. In Shakespear\'s sonnets any deviation from this is rather subtle and perhaps a matter of contracting a word like \"makest\" being read as \"mak\'st\" (Not to mention we don\'t quite speak English as it was spoken in those times anymore)

Your topic and imagery is brilliant as always - so what I\'d really like to see, is you keeping those, but reworking your wording so that you get the right rhythm. I think it\'s important that when writing poetry that needs to obey a certain structure. you learn to write in that structure meticulously before bending the rules. (We haven\'t even started on villanelles and sestinas for mind-bending rules yet!)

Fixing this is easy. For example you could change your first line to: \"Serenity is sun in dark of night\" - and immediately you have perfect iambic pentameter. Your second line is fine. Third line - something like: \"Believing in the penguins\' ache for flight\" etc.
Bottom line, Jerry - because it\'s you and I know what you are capable of, there\'s no way in hell I will let you get away with not putting in the extra effort to tweak this into shape.

SpaceMonkey · September 19, 2015, 01:17:27 PM

Whew thanks Dragonwyst!I knew ir was not really a sonnet. I knew the meter was messed up. I even kind of knew where it was messed up. BUt thank you for clarification!I will indeed be on a better word hunt. and you are right Dragonwyst about knowing the rules before you bend them. I think this is one of two sonnets I have ever tried to write. It\'s just not really my style as you know. I guess I thought it was closer than it was And I don\'t think I should be writing any sestinas, they drive a man crazy!!!!(I did write one sestina once)I think I have always been a servant to imagery. When forced to a decision between the exact right word and the exact right meter, I\'ve always gone with the exact right word. I think it\'s why I respect rigid traditional poetry that still manages to say exactly what It wants it to. Thank you for the feedback, and Dragonwyst, welcome to PAO@!!!

dragonwyst · September 19, 2015, 02:32:32 PM

The art is in finding the right words that fit in the metre - there\'s no sacrificing involved because the end result is even better that way. It\'s no different with writing free verse. In fact, it\'s too damned easy to think you can get away with things in free verse. You can\'t. Word choice needs to be concise - or to pay attention to assonance, alliteration, onomatopoeia, juxtapostions, lengths of lines...there\'s soooo much! I think that\'s why I stopped writing free verse all those years. I just froze like a deer in the headlights when I realised jsut what was really involved. If you want your free verse to be better, practice writing things that obey rules of structure for a while and I guarantee you you will write better free verse too, in the end. There are no short cuts to good poetry.

GoddessGlamour Puss · October 04, 2015, 04:28:32 PM

Well thanks to Dragonwyst I can recall iambic pentameter (more years than I care to admit since school) and this definately falls well short. However, it does have a beautiful soft rhythm all of it\'s own which is something I don\'t think you should change.If you wish to pursue the true sonnet I would suggest pinning down some words that fit the correct meter. Perhaps trying to re-work this particular piece would be a frustrating endeavour so I would suggest using the serenity idea with words aimed at fitting? Or even a whole new sonnet from scratch.

SpaceMonkey · October 04, 2015, 05:13:42 PM

@GoddessGlamourPuss thanks GGP. I know the iambs are all messed up and I knew that when I posted it. Originally, it was much better but the words did not make sense. I tried to wrangle with it, I have fought this poem for years but I think I am going to throw in the towel and write a new sonnet from scratch. I am not scrapping this poem, just scrapping the sonnet(ish) arrangement. I really believe this poem has a lot of really good lines that should not be thrown away and I know there is a really good poem hiding in here. I will not give up!!!

GoddessGlamour Puss · October 04, 2015, 05:19:37 PM

I totally agree. I think this poem came out with a life of it\'s own but I also know you can nail a sonnet :-)

liam · October 04, 2015, 05:20:12 PM

Reads well to me, I would not know where to start with suggestions.

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a sonnet(ish)