I just wrote this, so it\'s a first draft. \"Death\"Death lives in all things. A thousand forms, A million flavors. Death bleeds from every pore. Do you taste it?   Every road leads there. The Infinite Abyss The Unknown Night The Cosmic Void That stars alight. Even immortal stars are just an illusion, For they too must one day grow dark.,   Life is ablaze, a Passionate Heat Life is motion, frenzy, divine. In order to survive, You must stay bright and warm. You must keep moving. 

Its an interesting read, it will be nice to see it develop and flow even better.

It\'s the \'old\' saying but I had to read this three times before I was able to read it smoothly (probably says something about me). The poem itself is very good, though I would like to see parts join in with the flow a little more, at least myself.

I did, however like the twist from darkness to life and the way you finished the poem.

You must stay bright and warm.
You must keep moving.[/quote]

I find a 2nd read through beneficial. I quite like the rough quality to the \'flow\' as it is slightly jarring and a reminder of the ever present spectre just around the corner. I\'m not overly keen on the 1st stanza and personally prefer the piece without it but that\'s just me.I would like to see how you intend to develop it or your thoughts with it Spacemonkey either way a good looking piece 

I definitely love the positive ending to this poem. It\'s almost like a reminder that you can choose to focus on the darkness and \"badness\" of the world or you can choose to keep moving and stay bright and warm in spite of everything. Death is definitely something that seems or is final, but I think the ending of the poem is a great way to say that while you may not be able to avoid death, you can certainly choose how you live your life Thought provoking! Thanks for sharing!

Great read SpaceMonkey. The last four lines, in particular are my favorite.  I think the line about the stars could have its own stanza, maybe with another couplet to elaborate on the concept.  Also, a slight tweak in the wording of that line, might make the line agree with itsself a little better.  So instead of \"Even immortal stars are just an illusion,\"  you might say something like \"Even the permanence of the stars is an illusion.\"  The flow of the poem works pretty well for me.  The first two stanzas and the final one have a nice movement to them, and the couplet about the stars serves as a nice rhythmic break, which is why I  thought a second couplet would enhance both the meaning and the flow.  Great job!

It reads well and the breaks add a flare to it when reading. Well done!

Thanks for the replys all.  There are some good suggestions to consider when I revise it and I appreciate the feedback. I wrote this poem intentionally disjointed, but still with a kind of flow to it. I liked that the basic idea of the poem is moving from death to life and regardless of how I revise it, I plan to keep that central.  I find astronomy inspires me to think about things like this and I just want to pass those feelings on to others.  I\'m glad to share the rough cut, with the ideas raw with you all and now I shall revise, revise, revise.  I think I will keep the breaks where they are but work on the verbage a bit   

[quote author=SpaceMonkey\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"66\">Thanks for the replys all.  There are some good suggestions to consider when I revise it and I appreciate the feedback. I wrote this poem intentionally disjointed, but still with a kind of flow to it. I liked that the basic idea of the poem is moving from death to life and regardless of how I revise it, I plan to keep that central.  I find astronomy inspires me to think about things like this and I just want to pass those feelings on to others.  I\'m glad to share the rough cut, with the ideas raw with you all and now I shall revise, revise, revise.  I think I will keep the breaks where they are but work on the verbage a bit [/quote]Intentionally disjointed huh? I think I had of known that at the time of reading it, it would been useful. /emoticons/wink.png\" alt=\";)\" title=\";) date=1442436363]

Certainly when you do revise and re-edit it, feel free to either add it back here or submit it as a new piece (add a link if you do a latter to this though, as some will enjoy re-reading this version and compare the two).

[quote author=joey_matthews\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"74\">Intentionally disjointed huh? I think I had of known that at the time of reading it, it would been useful.

 [/quote]HAHA  but that would defeat the purpose of unbiased reading /emoticons/tongue.png\" alt=\":P\" title=\":P date=1442438145] 

While GoddessGlamourPuss may not like the first stanza, I do. What I like about it is all the attributes of life applied to Death.
Something needs to be done with the two lines beginning \"Even immortal stars...\" as they are a bit wordy compared to the rest. Stars have just been mentioned so it may be those lines can be chucked. Pare it down. Be minimalist. It\'s effective.

What you might like to consider is to contrast the first and second stanza endings, so that in the way that you come to the end where life needs to keep moving, in the first stanza you end with something about everything becoming still. See if you can keep the number of ideas about death and life equal - and address them so that each line has one idea - it\'s more or less like that anyway. That would give the whole a bit of shape and structure - if that idea appeals to you, of course. 

great first draft.. keep at it..  loved Death bleeds from every pore.... interesting matey!

[quote author=stewart alexander\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"502\">great first draft.. keep at it..  loved Death bleeds from every pore....