I agree with what GGP said.  The poem is really strong, the last stanza is solid gold.  I think there are some unnecessary words hiding in there that you may be able to snip out.  I also agree that playing with the arrangement could potentially make it more powerful.There is a checklist online I have been using for awhile, it\'s basically just 25 questions you can ask yourself while editing a poem to help improve it or take it where it needs to go.  I found this a really helpful tool when developing an editing style and I think it could help you out with this and other poems that you have.http://magmapoetry.com/25-rules-for-editing-poems/\">25 Rules For Editing Poems Regardless, I am glad you posted this and I hope you most more in the future.  Welcome to PAO!! 

[quote author=stewart alexander\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"105\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"735\">thanks spacemonkey.. I will keep an eye on my count.. I know it\'s not perfect..      glad you enjoyed it though and I appreciate the advice.. from songwriter to poetor from poet to songwriter...  takes a little work  /emoticons/wink.png date=1443960396][/quote]Don\'t stop with it, you have a pretty original style and you have a great mind for the written word.  We all need help with revising, an objective view.

@GoddessGlamourPuss thanks GGP.  I know the iambs are all messed up and I knew that when I posted it.  Originally, it was much better but the words did not make sense.  I tried to wrangle with it, I have fought this poem for years but I think I am going to throw in the towel and write a new sonnet from scratch.  I am not scrapping this poem, just scrapping the sonnet(ish) arrangement. I really believe this poem has a lot of really good lines that should not be thrown away and I know there is a really good poem hiding in here.  I will not give up!!!

oh wow.  yeah I can\'t wait to see what the end result is either.  Looks great so far!

 Pretend for a moment you
Understand my PretensionsPerhaps within momentsYour comprehensive attentions Love is only worth itOver longer than it lastsVestibules of innocenceEchoes we can clasp   NEXT TOPIC: Traveling to Mars  

I love the last two the most.  Because of Dungeons and Dragons haha.i agree you have a good eye for the landscape picture.Also the sheep kind of scared me LOL *edit* I really did like them all.  I could have picked almost any one of them as my favorite(except for the creeper sheep)

Just as he hoped as a boybecame a full Lone RangerFell asleep on an outbound trainWoke up atop Mount Stranger

Quote from: Call me Cordelia\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"66\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"662 date=1443830989This is lovely, Chris! It\'s been a joy watching you grow as a poet! 

What she said.  You really have come a long way man.

He\'s just a twinkle in my eyeA bleak reminder of my dreamsHe\'s so f***ing lost, this guyBut at least he has his jeans

Great job Stewart.  I am working on all 30 words too, it\'s not very easy.

My favorite part of the reborn PAO?  I get to read more poetry from one of my favorite poets.  PUBLISH YOUR WORK AND SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD MY GOOD MAN!!  Let\'s do it together.  I\'m 100% serious.SIBULANT!!!!  I was actually just looking at that word recently with an eye towards wrapping it in a phrase laced with alliteration, of course you beat me to it.  \"silent sibulant hints\"  Once again, perfect perfect perfect@!@I hope you know dear HAP that when I say you are one of my favorite poets I am not just messing with you, I really mean it.  I want to be the charter member and president of your fan club, I hope you will consider it.

Words on the right side of the margin......brilliant!!!  I was going to ask is this based on an actual ephiphany that you had or you just wrote this with the subject in mind?  Either way, it\'s great.  I hope this is but a taste of things to come from you     I look forward to seeing what your writing looks like now, ten years later.  Thanks for sharing this with us.  

Until the last couple of lines I was convinced this was a poem about Dexter or inspired by Dexter.  Now I am not so sure.  I do enjoy thw word choices you used, you have a good feel for language and the way it rolls off of tounges.   With an eye towards editing I would also like to say that the meter is a little rough in a few places, I stumbled a few times reading it.  I think this a good poem with a more than exceptional poem hiding in it somewhere and I would urge you to take the time to find it,  I can tell this is a poem written by a songwriter(by no means a bad thing).  When I made the transition from songs and poetry to just poetry one of the things I had to learn was that spoken word has a different cadence to speech than singing does.  Some things you can do in songs to cheat meter(carrying notes to fill up a measure) you can\'t really do with the written word.  If you were to edit this, I would suggest for you to pay attention to the syllable count in each line and trim it in a few places, or add some words. This was my favorite part:  

\"Rusty knights ripen my curses fold 

Tis but a dark fiend that feels my soul 

Red parallel and flight benign 

In the toned sea alight by coal 

  

As chronology shades in escapades 

Lust continues to ripple through\"

 Thank you for sharing this, I am slowly becoming a big fan of your work and I look forward to seeing more of it. 

My daughter has gone with grandparents until tomorrow afternoon.  I have the bulk of today to work on my Halloween story.  Later this evening the plan is astronomy with a friend\'s telescope.On an unrelated note, last night I wrote a really good poem.  Like, really really good.  Maybe I\'ll share it with you guys sometime  

Welcome Back as well!!!!  Really awesome to have you here and I look forward to seeing more of your work.