Thank you HAP.  I am still messing with the words at the end.  I am not sure I want it to rhyme and I feel like using the same end rhyme on multiple lines is a bit TOO repetitive.  When I revise this I am either converting it to a much less rigid end rhyme scheme with more slant rhymes or no rhymes whatsoever or I am going to change one of the \"grace\" rhymes to something else.I posted it after just one revision so I don\'t feel like it is where it needs to be yet, but it is close.  I am glad you enjoyed it.I would LOVE to read your pantoum I am actually writing another one right now, it was fun LOL.  

[quote author=Call me Cordelia\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"664\">I enjoyed this poem, but I was distracted from the words by two things: 1. The italics at the end2. That you used punctuation, but still capitalized the first word of every line (instead of following regular capitalization rules).I\'m not sure where you are wanting to take this poem, so take this with a grain of salt... but I think these lines:could be tighter if phrased like:Life ablaze, a passionate heatis motion, frenzied, and divine  [/quote]Thanks.  I take all criticism with a grain of salt, I appreciate you doing it in a helpful and constructive manner.  Perhaps you could look at the second draft.  As far as capitalization rules, again thank you for catching that.  My rough draft had no punctuation and I added it before posting and forgot to uncapitalize them.  I am pretty ashamed to say I think it still exists like that in the 2nd draft as well.Also I am glad the italics distracted you, mission accomplished /emoticons/tongue.png date=1443831281] 

Quote from: joey_matthews\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"100\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"602 date=1443741673

Haha I am not worried about thievery.  That thing in quotations is just a joke.  I know that whatever I post is automatically copyrighted and I need do nothing about it.  If someone were to actually steal something of mine then they get to live with that.  

I think the Marigold one is my favorite.  It is very clever. I like playing with assonance and alliteration too, but I\'ve not dedicated a whole piece or collection to the idea, you make me want to.  The way you wrote the last one Moss made it look like the fairies sneaked in to your computer after you were done with the rest of them and typed it in themselves.  Tee hee that was brilliant!! 

 You have an idea stated out clearly, which is great.  It is very concrete.  There are no abstractions really, or metaphors to set it free.  You are basically stating your feelings plainly and it is very easy to follow. Starting with this as a baseline  I would do one of two things with it:1.  Leave it an absolute concrete statement.  Keep most of the words the same, but trim the fat.  Find words to cut out, the things you feel might be unnecessary. With a poem like this where your lines are short rapid fire you can also take out the punctuation and that will speed it up even more.  After you take some of the words out, take all the punctuation out too.  If you want to separate in to different sentences, separate the sentences in to verses instead.  All of these things will increase the intensity of a poem like this and is a subtractive approach to editing.  In the process of doing this you may also be inspired to add some more words, feel free to do that as well but try to keep the language grounded the way it is now.2.  Take each and every line of this poem by itself and think of a good metaphor  or abstraction for it.  Throw every line up and try to connect it to a different idea or compare it to something else.  You don\'t just have to use metaphors either, you can use images too.  You can really expand on almost everything you have written and make it come alive with imagery.  I will give you an example just from the first three or four lines:I sit alone, astride my Freedom
 within a room laden with shackles.
Where bureaucracy rules
And greed, the eager waitress waitsEager to grant a fool his fate. I would do things like the for the whole poem and then take what comes out of that and then again edit it, streamlining the language to make it more powerful.  In the process of doing this as well, you may get inspired to add to the original narrative; either to give the bulk of your idea more weight or to bring the poem to a logical ending point.   I think you have a good basis to start with and this is just what I would do with something like this if it were me.  I am excited to see where you end up taking it.  

I liked this poem a lot.  I have read it more than a few times since you posted it.  It feels like a perfect snapshot, one you describe very well.  I feel like this is a fuzzy memory I have of my own.  I also think that if you were willing to submit this poem to an editing process, you could end up with a VERY respectable poem.  It\'s good now, but the potential for greatness is there as well. You sir, should write more poetry.

I sit alone within a room where bureaucracy rules and greed is eager and eager equals fools.  I speak so slowly, yet my words fall to the floor.  I try to speak, but I am heard no more.  Decisions have been made.  Ones which limit my ability.  Lies are being told which could ruin my reputation.  Yet, all this greed equals power and that power equals the oppressors.    I just wrote this out as a paragraph for visual purposes.  I will Post again Joey sir with feedback a bit later.  I have to pick up mah daughter from the pre school.  

A https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantoum\" rel=\"external nofollow\">pantoum is a form of poetry derived from a Malay verse form  the pantun berkait Wikipedia says:  \"The pantoum is a form of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry\" rel=\"external nofollow\">poetry similar to a https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Villanelle\" rel=\"external nofollow\">villanelle in that there are repeating lines throughout the poem. It is composed of a series of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quatrain\" rel=\"external nofollow\">quatrains; the second and fourth lines of each https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanza\" rel=\"external nofollow\">stanza are repeated as the first and third lines of the next. This pattern continues for any number of stanzas, except for the final stanza, which differs in the repeating pattern. The first and third lines of the last stanza are the second and fourth of the https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Penultimate\" rel=\"external nofollow\">penultimate; the first line of the poem is the last line of the final stanza, and the third line of the first stanza is the second of the final. Ideally, the meaning of lines shifts when they are repeated although the words remain exactly the same: this can be done by shifting https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punctuation\" rel=\"external nofollow\">punctuation, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun\" rel=\"external nofollow\">punning, or simply recontextualizing.\" This was my second attempt at a pantoum as my first one is lost to Time and Space.  A very dear friend recently suggested that I try writing with a bit more structure in order to improve the quality of my free verse which is I think what I naturally tend to write.  This is my first foray in that direction.  I chose to do a pantoum because I like exploring themes that have duality in them and this seemed a perfect vehicle for that.  I hope you all enjoy it.  \"Shadows\"Shadows creep slowly down the stairs They mimic the way she glides Making a mockery of her gentle grace If only to spite her face They mimic the way she glides Trapped in parody, foreverIf only to spite her faceA dance of deadly grace Trapped in parody, foreverA weeping whispers cello glideA dance of deadly graceI shutter from place to place A weeping whispers mellow guideA silent witness to her fatethat shutters from place to placeFor I can only wear one face A silent witness to her fateMaking mockery of her gentle graceFor I can only wear one faceMy shadow creeps slowly down the stairs\\By: Jerry Munkelwitz(don\'t steal this its copyrighted)

Preschool a bit later today.  I am working on a new poem, a pantoum.  It is almost done and I should be posting it later today.  I am lagging a bit on my blog because after my first post I realized it was more like an article and less like the kind of blog I want to do so I have been doing research as to the different kind of blogs people do.Later tonight my wife and I have our first date together in about five months,  I am really excited for some adult time     

Entertaining a friend this morning, got a migraine trying to power through it.  I try to write at least 500 words a day on my novel but this past week it\'s been really hard to find the time.Later we may go to a park and I might get to write some then. Hope you all having a great day

I am going to revise this again soon.  I do feel like it is more powerful, it is also more cohesive from beginning to end,  I feel like the way I revised it says exactly what I want it to say.  That being said, I don\'t like how many times it says \"The stars\"  I really want to reword the ending and perhaps add another abstraction or metaphor.  I also feel that while I did do a good job removing some clutter and streamlining the language a little bit I perhaps stripped too much away and it\'s a little bit more concrete than a poem I would typically write.  I think I am going to add a couple more stanzas in the middle somewhere and with the reworking of the end, I think it will be pretty good.I like doing this poem this way as a kind of exercise.  Kind of like sharing my revisioning process from beginning to end with all of you.  I thank anyone who is taking the time to make the journey with me.  )

[quote author=mperry\" data-ipsquote-contenttype=\"forums\" data-ipsquote-contentclass=\"forums_Topic\" data-ipsquote-contentid=\"6\" data-ipsquote-contentcommentid=\"523\">Hi Space Monkey Interesting read- I am all for freedom of expression and voices being subjective-each word you use or take away adds or subtracts from your content- so take your time and keep writing- until you get to the point- \"where you say this is it\"  keep at it- and never stop writing- because your voice matters!...regards Mike[/quote]Hey thanks for the encouragement Mike.  Perhaps you could take a gander at \'Death\" 2nd draft and tell me your thoughts on the revisions Also, welcome to PAO /emoticons/tongue.png\" alt=\":P\" title=\":P date=1443372667] 

Writing, writing, writing.  Writing until words start coming out of my ears.  I got 4 projects going and must stay focused....F O C U S E D!!

http://poetryartonline.com/profile/37-nicholejanine2015/?do=hovercard\" data-mentionid=\"37\" style=\"color:rgb(37,91,121);font-family:\'Helvetica Neue\', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:22.4px;\" href=\"<___base_url___>/profile/37-nicholejanine2015/\">@NicholeJanine2015   Welcome to our wonderful home. I look forward to seeing some of your work.  ) Also, Congrats on finishing your BA!!

I thought this was very funny.  I was trying to think of a medium for it and I think it would be an awesome Saturday Night Live Commercial. It is very well written   I especially enjoyed the fine print.